Do Nonexistent Cows Dream of Carbon-Neutral Sheep?

NBC NEWFLASH: Study finds poultry (also known as chicken) may be just as high in cholesterol as red meat (also known as cows). And I quote:

…consuming high levels of red meat or white poultry resulted in higher blood cholesterol levels than consuming an equal amount of plant protein.

EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT! Chicken higher in saturated fat than plant protein! Film at 11. Boc! Boc!

(nearly) Subliminal messaging, Go Vegan you brutes! But seriously, what a clusterf**k of misdirected propaganda. The very next para gives us the goods on this earth-shattering scientific discovery: The key takeaway from the study, nutritionists say, is [will ya get a load of this!] WATCH OUT FOR SATURATED FAT!

You don’t say? Chum. You don’t say. But wait, there’s more! Another stunner that will surely keep seismic activity of epic proportions rocking the nutrition science world:

The positives of having red or white meat can be canceled out if too much saturated FAT, from any source, is included in one’s diet.

Whoa! NBC News be like spittin’ out some truth, ya’ll. Who knows how much taxpayer money had to be spent to make this historic scientific breakthrough? I’ll bet a lot, a lot. And money well spent! To know if an excess of fat is bad for you. That is the perpetually axed question. Perhaps even Shakespeare was pondering the profound implications of digging into his monstrously saturated Full English Breakfast. I’m so glad the authorities cleared it up for us (again), just in case we were sleeping or shooting spit wads at the girls during the 6th grade science module on basic nutrition. Yes. Heat is hot and water’s wet. Fat in the arteries wll a heart attack beget.

To hell with even acknowledging the logic of ‘all things in moderation’! Honey, does this couch make me look fat?

What I seriously ponder is would old Will have rewritten his line about killing all lawyers to killing all journalists were he alive and writing plays today? I mean, sure all the politicians seem to have law degrees and are overly deserving of our disdain, but if we had a 4th estate that actually did the job of checking these DC mandarin’s ubiquitous abuses of power instead of bolstering their own careers being the personal flacks and hacks of the crooked denizens of DC, or in spite of them, we wouldn’t be in such a divided mess of a society now, would we?

But, keeping with the Bardish tone, let us not speak of Cuntry Matters. It’s my bloggish duty to decode the deeper implications of these maddeningly idiotic salvos from the failing fops of the mainstream press. So, let us go a little deeper than the edifying yet frowned-upon practice of calling for all the Reliable Sources’ in-name-only execution.

Why go telling us all what is already so apparent that saying so is the equivalent of a kick in the face? Zombification by endless repetition, death by a thousand cuts, like a kindergartern teacher going over the ABCs for the zillionth time for the maintenance of the dunces while the bored majority pick their noses, space out and drool on their desks, on the down side of their hypoglycemic mid-morning comedown after a two-bowl breakfast of Cap’n Crunch’s JUST BERRIES.

The underlying, real purpose of the news story, the unconscious message if you will: Meat bad, regardless of the color of the flesh. Go green, not just in your external consumption of energy, but also in what you put into your internal fuel-burning engine. The more vegetarians, the less cow farts and resource-wasting cows, as well. Don’t forget that the recent Climate Report put out by, some international do-gooder fascist organization, perhaps the Vagina-ed Nations, dunno, said that the number one best thing you can do to fight, scream it with me, CLIMATE CHANGE WARMING DISRUPTION CRISIS, is eat less meat cuz … uh, errr … SCIENCE!